Many people wonder if their relationship – whether a friendship, family, or intimate relationship – is healthy. Are you one of them? Read this post to learn about common signs of a healthy relationship.
Listen to yourself
Often, when people search the Internet for an answer to the question “Am I in a healthy relationship?” it is because something feels off. If you are one of those people, I would encourage you to listen to yourself first. If a relationship persistently feels like it is bringing you more sorrow than joy, then it is worth listening to yourself and taking your feelings and intuitions seriously.
Chances are, there’s indeed something going on in your relationship that may not be very healthy. It does not necessarily indicate a catastrophe, but at the very least, it may be an indication that some relational work is needed. All relationships need TLC from time to time.
If you experienced trauma
Of course, your gut feeling may not always be spot on, especially if you have experienced relational trauma or abuse in the past. For a trauma survivor, relationships, even the “good” ones, may feel unsafe. They may lack an internal compass to determine what is acceptable and what is not.
If you are one of those people, it is a great idea to educate yourself and check in with trusted people in your life if something feels off in your relationships. The so-called “reality check” is always a good idea. Counselling or therapy may also help you establish and maintain healthy and satisfying relationships.
Whatever situation you find yourself in, here are some common signs of healthy relationships.
Trust and security
Trust and a sense of safety are the two cornerstones of any close relationship. Trust allows you to rely on each other, knowing that promises will be kept and agreements respected. You share trust if you believe that the other person has your back even when things are not ideal between the two of you.
Security means that you feel physically and emotionally safe in the relationship. It ensures that you can express yourself and your differences freely and honestly without fear of judgment or harm. When trust and security are present, communication flourishes, conflicts are resolved constructively, and intimacy deepens, allowing relationships to thrive and grow over time. Without them, people often struggle to develop and maintain a lasting connection.
Effective communication
Effective communication is vital for healthy relationships as it fosters connection. It involves being open to hearing what your partner has to say without being defensive or judgmental, respecting their right to have needs, desires, feelings, and ideas that are different from your own. It also involves making an effort to know what your own needs, feelings, and thoughts are and being willing to risk sharing them with your partner. By sharing thoughts and feelings honestly, people build trust, empathy, and a supportive environment, ensuring everyone feels seen, heard, and valued.
Conflict resolution skills
Disagreement and conflict, or the process of rupture and repair, are part of any healthy relationship. People often mistake them for a sign of problems in a relationship. They may be, but usually, that is the case only when conflicts regularly tend to turn into nasty arguments or when conflict is altogether absent.
Each person is different, and these differences often get glossed over in the initial stage of a relationship, when people feel a sense of oneness and perfect compatibility. We call this stage falling or being in love. Sooner or later, we begin to rediscover our differences, and this is where conflict usually arises.
Being able to express our differences and to listen to each other without being defensive, blaming, or withdrawing, while holding on to the big picture of who we know our partner to be, is the foundation of conflict resolution skills. Knowing how to repair the hurts that inevitably happen is also part of effective conflict resolution skills. If these are underdeveloped, we may find ourselves stuck in conflict avoidance, passive-aggressive behaviours, or outright angry outbursts and an endless cycle of exhausting fights that keep hurting and offer no resolution to persisting problems.
Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Having an inner awareness of what is acceptable and not acceptable for oneself is the first step in being able to communicate these to people around us, ensuring that our space, comfort, and individuality are honoured and respected. Setting boundaries prevents overstepping and reduces feelings of resentment or violation. It promotes mutual respect and understanding.
It is important to remember that we are responsible for communicating our needs and boundaries to people around us, rather than expecting them to guess our mind. It is also important to remember that setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships is an ongoing process that may be somewhat uncomfortable and fraught with anxiety, but it is so worth it! It not only contributes to building a more stable and fulfilling relationship, but also encourages self-care and personal growth.
Balance of independence and togetherness
A balance of independence and togetherness is crucial for healthy relationships. When people come into a relationship, they often want to share themselves with another person and improve their lives beyond what they experienced when they were alone. People generally do not want to end up in a relationship of stifling dependency or emotional distance.
We all want a balance of independence and togetherness, where we can grow as individuals and find personal fulfillment, while also building intimacy and shared experiences with our partner. This balance prevents codependency and promotes mutual respect, as we support each other’s personal goals and needs while building a life together.
Reciprocity
Reciprocity is about the balance of giving and receiving. Balance does not mean numerical equality, where partners tally up their contributions and compare them to ensure they receive exactly as much as they give. That would be a difficult, if not impossible, way to live. However, there needs to be a shared sense that both partners contribute to and benefit from the relationship in such a way that neither feels exploited or neglected, and both feel that their contributions and efforts are valued and appreciated.
By engaging in balanced give-and-take, the connection is strengthened, individual needs are met, and everybody’s efforts are acknowledged. Without reciprocity, relationships can become one-sided and even burdensome.
Emotional connection and intimacy
Emotional connection and intimacy are vital for deep, meaningful relationships, and they often result from strong trust and security, open communication and sharing of self, honest working through differences and conflicts, healthy boundaries, cultivation of self-development, individual growth, togetherness, and a balanced give-and-take of everyday life.
This list may seem like a tall order, and perhaps not all of these ingredients have to be perfectly present for a relationship to feel healthy. We all have our struggles, and all individuals and relationships have their strengths and weaknesses. All we can do is do our best, accept our imperfections, and keep moving forward with appreciation for each other.
And sometimes, what is needed is not something big and flashy, but what the Gottmans call the “small things”: growing closer through “small words, small gestures, and small acts” that happen on a daily basis.
If you are struggling in your relationship or not even sure anymore whether you want to stay together or separate, counselling may help.
I have experience supporting individuals and couples who want to improve their relationships. Check out my website to learn more.
I’m wishing you healthy and satisfying relationships!
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